The Human Race

My facebook post this morning: "For some reason, going out for my little run today, takes on a whole new meaning."

I have always wanted to be a runner. Not just any kind of runner, but a marathon runner. I tried in college, but my ankles just don't seem strong enough. No really, I have weak ankles. I am currently in the crawling stages of finding my runners stride. I run every other day, trying to build stamina. But it is not easy.

I have always wanted to be a good mother. More than anything that was my goal. To make sure I raised decent kids into adults, a very important job. I always thought that I was pretty good. Lately I feel like I am falling down. Not enough patience. I yell and apologize. I don't always pay attention. I may not say what I need to say, or more likely, in the way I should say it, to show my kids the respect they deserve.

At my job, I just do not connect. I am more rigid instead of accessible with employees. I am not sure if ultimately, I am doing what I am meant to do be doing. I don't always give 100%. For the first time ever, I look towards retirement as an escape and not the 'old farty way out' it used to feel like.

As a wife. I don't know, I just don't know. I am not the putting forth the effort needed I am sure, as sometimes, regretfully, it's just last on the list.

Socially, in the past, I was always a star. I was great at planning fun events, get-togethers, outings, etc.  I was warm and loving and friendly. Lately, my anxiety towards the world around me has taken over. I have pushed some people away. I can't bother with some of the different personalities that used to be in my life, despite the fact that I feel love for those people. I suffer from a type of anxiety that has never plagued me before. It is frustrating, as it feels like the death of someone that I truly am, as a new, less desirable version emerges.

My hometown, a suburb of Boston, was always a source of great pride for me. If you grew up there, you got it. The feeling of brother and sisterhood, like nothing I have ever felt before. I instinctively knew, through my upbringing, just how proud I should be of being where I was from. It was something that rippled out, like a stone sunk in a pond, from the city itself. Bostonians in general have an air about them. If you don't know one, then you don't get it. We are all at once, tough, in your face, ballsy, hard working people, while still being warm, loyal and vulnerable. Our tough accent sets us apart. It can actually make me laugh, living in a bordering New England state, as how crass it can actually sound at times. However, give me a few beers at the local pub, and my own Boston accent  accelerates right back out again, like a dump truck. When you move away from Boston, and you come back, there are dozens of people always in 'the neighborhood' to welcome you home. I miss that.

On Monday April 15th, things began to change for me. Marathon Monday, my nearby hometown capital of Boston, was under a vicious, senseless attack. Athletes, their family members, spectators, volunteers, police, first responders, college students, store owners all in the presence of an extreme evil and in terrible danger. Runners were running for their lives. Those crazy resilient marathon runners, those that I had determined held qualities that were unattainable for myself, were unable to attain the dream of finishing their marathon. And more devastating, was and is the loss of life and the lives changed forever by unfathomable injury and just in seeing what they saw.

In the five days that followed, we relentlessly pursued. Our local, state wide and federal law enforcement are all our heroes, as they always have been. And the public, we Bostonians, stayed vigilant, whether in our homes or out on the streets. Communication and conversation at a high point. Tears, anguish, hurt, hopes, dreams, love, all of it washed over all of us. I believe all people were affected in this country by what took place in Boston. Just as we have been affected by tragedy before.

Today I wake up to a new kind of world, for the transformation that began in me, and in many of us, today is like a culmination, a celebration, a rebirth, so to speak, of emotions, and desires for the future.

It may not be like some quick fix, but the old, dusty, ragged me, knows that whatever "it" is, it is something that I can no longer live without. I can't be here, pretending that others will just get out of my way. I can't rely on the select few that I feel get who I am as a person, I need to open myself up more, similar to how I was as a child, open hearted, fun loving, spontaneous, proud of who I am and who I may be becoming. No matter how uncomfortable or stressful life can get, I can't just slip into a cool, damp, dark cave.

I don't have to love everybody and include them in my day to day life, but if I truly want to embody what I feel right now, I must love and protect our mankindedness (yup, I think I made that up). The love and respect for each person to, well, just be alive. To pursue their happiness, alongside me while I am pursuing mine.

So...I swill down the last of my cold coffee, grab my iPhone, lace up my running shoes and get ready to run the best and most challenging race of my life.