My 12 year old daughter loves basketball. She asked for a standing outdoor basketball hoop for Christmas this past year, which my husband and I assembled in the frigid night hours of Christmas Eve, in our sub zero garage. She loves the Boston Celtics. She has memorized the roster, the players’ jersey numbers, their stats, their favorite flavor of ice cream, etc. She has come a long way in three short years with her own technique. She is a fast runner, athletically built and enjoys playing as a team member. She is always high-fiving and patting other team members on the back to compliment their achievements. She is happy and upbeat, yet competitive.
Last week, my daughter was told during the half time of her basketball game NOT to shoot for a basket any longer by her coach. She was also benched for a quarter. She is the top scorer on the team. I don’t say this boastfully, it’s a fact. She was told to only pass the ball to her team mates when she returned in the last quarter of the game. Her team was ahead by 18 points, leaving the less experienced basketball team that they were playing, with only a few points on the board. She did exactly what her coach asked of her, and did so happily, as I believe she should. Maybe a bit deflated, but in the spirit of the team, she complied. However, tomorrow night, her team is playing an undefeated opponent, who boasts 43 straight wins over 3 seasons. Her coach also mentioned to her during this same half-time revelation, that for Thursday night’s game, he wanted her to “shoot like crazy”.
Last season, I sat in the bleachers amongst a few parents, who would get upset with the top scoring players on the team, calling them ‘ball hogs’. Mind you, these are players on the same team as their child. This was supposed to be an ‘instructional league’, they complained. How are their kids going to learn the sport when they don’t ever get the ball? I found these concerns to be overly exaggerated, at the time. Their kids did get the ball. Only nothing happened when they did. They would try, but not succeed often. My daughter was one of the players last year, short on successes. I cheered on the players that did very well last season, as well as the ones who didn’t, because I want to support the whole team, not just my kid. It’s the team my daughter belongs to and loves. I could never understand the point of view of the complaining parents. I felt that not one player was being slighted on that team, and chalked it up to those parent’s being secretly miffed that their kids weren’t the ones adding up all the points.
What have we done? Can we no longer see past our own DNA to realize that someone else excelling and earning most of the points during a game (or spelling bee, or chess game, etc.) actually motivates and teaches? Are we beyond reason enough to really feel that because one player is doing well, our children are missing out on some critical game winning moment.
Please. (And I say ‘please’ with all the sarcasm in the world.)
Watching someone who is better than you at something, is a fantastic instructor. A necessity in life. If you wallow in your own inability and refuse to watch and learn, then why don’t you just stick with something that you already know how to do perfectly.
Are we as parents so politically correct and soft, that we think by handing our kids a thing like a basketball on a silver platter, that that will improve their skills or knowledge of the game?
Sorry, it’s not that easy. Practice, both scheduled by coaches and on the player’s OWN TIME, are the key. Eating right, getting enough rest, strength training, repetition, and practice. And practice. And practice.
My Dad, a baseball coach with 37 seasons under his belt always said “A good coach practices until you get it right, a great coach practices until you can’t get it wrong.”
The coaches of my daughter’s team are doing great. They care very much for all of the players. They are patient and give careful instruction. They are giving a priceless gift to my daughter and her team mates. They are reinforcing what it means to belong to a team, while nurturing individual skills.
Being a parent is not about just sitting in the stands and watching your child excel or not. It’s about rolling up your sleeves and learning something you may not be familiar with. At 5’2” the last thing I know about is basketball, but I will learn for my daughter’s sake, so that she can be the best basketball player she could ever want to be. And more importantly, I will encourage my daughter only as far as she will let me, to practice, learn, refine technique and run fast. I don’t want someone going easy on her.
I don’t want someone going easy on her. I will say it again… I REALLY don’t want someone going easy on her.
Will she be disappointed at times? Of course, but I think it will light a fire within her. I am counting on that as her Mom. Is being disappointed so bad? I say being disappointed and staying that way is bad.
If I were the parent of one of the players on opposing team from the other night’s game, I would be pissed. More pissed then seeing my daughter benched for being good at something. That game was not a case of earning points, it was a case of being given points so that everyone could feel better about themselves. It is reverse cheating.
For those out there who disagree with me, I understand. ‘Fairness’, ‘equality’, ‘everyone gets a trophy’. I get it. I understand wanting every child to get a fair shot. But I don’t want my child to get a trophy unless she has earned it.
I will never approach the coach about my daughter being benched or her instructions to not shoot the ball. It is his decision as a coach and I respect his choice.
What I have done is explain to my daughter how important it is in life that she choose to focus on things that she loves and that make her feel good and then to put her heart and soul into it. It can happen to be on the court or from the sidelines, but to never make apologies for being her best.
