I like to think of myself as an open minded person and someone who does not take pleasure in passing judgment on other people. I really do think this about myself, so I will be disappointed if it is ultimately untrue. It will take me a long time to recover if I learn through this blog, that I am a very disillusioned soul.
That being said let me talk about something I find utterly crazy. I was recently made aware of a set of parents who decided that the word “No” would not be used in their household because they believe that saying the word and meaning it, would stifle the natural born creativity of their children, ages 4 and almost 2.
That will work, most certainly, as long as you plan on your two children living with you until the end of time.
I apologize for the candor, but I can not express just how much I vehemently disagree.
I believe that setting boundaries and being cruel (yes, cruel) by denying your children the right to behave a certain way and have certain things, sets them on a successful path. You can love them all you want. Kiss and hug them, too. Put paint brushes in their hands and sing every hour on the hour, for goodness sake, but please, please, please, don’t eliminate the word “No”. For crying out loud it is a STAPLE for me.
To elaborate further before I completely throw these two lovely, smart and caring people under the bus, let me explain. They both believe that, essentially the process of redirecting, can take the place of the word “No”.
How…freaking…tiring. Exhausting. I am breathing heavier just thinking about it.
I assure you “No, because I said so” is still alive and well in my household and I hope it is across this great big universe of ours. I hope it translates in every language. I will always sing its praises.
When my children were both toddlers, I was fortunate enough to be able to regularly attend parenting classes with a noted author, speaker and parenting guru, Bonnie Harris, M.S. Ed. She was remarkable in giving the appropriate advice to me as a young mother with a very SPIRITED child. I love the term ‘spirited’, because that is exactly what my eldest child was, and still is. I knew no different. He was mine. I absolutely loved his uniqueness and still do to this day.
I remember Bonnie, a lovely woman, explaining how to not allow your children to push your buttons, to get down on their level, look them eye to eye and explain the reasons behind your discipline. Explain, validate, and tell them why you are doing what you are doing.
I am sorry. That is the only thing I disagreed with in all the classes that I attended. Saying “No” without any explanation works for me. I believe that it is essential for my kids to know that my husband and I are both the boss. If we say “No”, it is because we are the parents. Whether I know best or not, I could honestly care less. I said it, I mean it and you will listen to it. Too much knowledge can be redundant if you do not respect the person behind the “No”. Sometimes, blind faith is good. Do so, because you have been told to do so by your parent.
And, besides, I have proven myself by pushing you out of my vagina. And that’s the end of it.
In all seriousness, there are plenty of appropriate times to explain, talk, listen, teach, advise, consult…but there are just as many times that a “No” without explanation needs to hold some serious water. Does this stifle the ability to question authority? Or paint on a canvas. Or play an instrument? Write a poem?
I am frightened that a person who is used to having an explanation for everything and/or has been spared the word “No” all their life, will not be able to function well in the work place, in school, on a date, at a party, and ultimately as a parent, themselves.
Loving your child enough to make them earn the right to do certain things, making them aware that it’s not a free for all, stopping them dead in their tracks and maybe disappointing them at times, gives them much needed psychological stamina. It plants the seed that grows in to emotional fortitude. It sets up the catch word ‘boundaries’.
Too much “No” can have the adverse effect. But in a “Yes, I have to have it now" society, a little “No” goes a long way.
I am not a doctor or a psychologist or even a mom with all of the answers. At times I can be a bit of a basket case. I am just pretty damn certain that if I had never said the word “No” to my kids, that today we might not all be living in the same house.
I will continue to promote the climate where my children get the message that I love them and wish to enhance their physical, spiritual, cognitive and creative growth, all while subliminally yelling “Back off!” at the same time.
