Let’s cut to the chase. I have never been skinny. Never. I do not think that ‘achieving skinniness’ has ever been a goal of mine. I have always wanted to be healthy, fit, but not ‘skinny’. ‘Athletic’ sounds good. That’s what I want, athletic endurance.
I like my curves and believe me, I have them. I want to look like a woman. I will admit, I do have more jiggly parts than I care to have at the present time, but I generally feel good about myself, even when I am over my ideal weight.
I was raised by a lovely looking woman who, at her most, weighed in at 130 lbs at 5’5”. All while being 9 months pregnant. My mother could sit and eat a pound of bacon and she would lose a few pounds, simply from the act of eating it. I would gain a pound just watching her, as I chewed on my celery sticks. That’s just how it is. Oh, the cruelty of living with someone who has a speedy metabolism, when you have a slow one.
I have always thought that it was very important to have a positive self image. Even more so now as I age, especially in front of my children. I am not a big fan of the word ‘fat’, I have to say. I do not use the word ‘diet’, either. I refer to eating habits as either ‘eating healthy’ or ‘eating-not-so-healthy’. I am also a follower of the phrase "Everything in moderation."
A few weeks ago, I invited a new friend of my daughter’s, Emily, to come over to hang out at our house and then join us for a movie at the theater, later in the day. It was our first time having her at our house and my very first time meeting her. My first impression of Emily was that she is fun loving girl. She is very outspoken and witty. We thoroughly enjoyed her company that day and had a ball together. Something did happen on the ride over to the theater, though, that I am still not comfortable with.
As Emily and my daughter were riding together in the back seat for the 25 minute drive to the movie theater, they decided to tell each other funny, made up stories. There was a lot of giggling between them. I listened to the stories and chuckled at their storytelling as it alternated back and forth between them. What I quickly realized, was that all of Emily’s stories had a fat person in them, and that person was always at a disadvantage because of their weight. By the 4th story of Emily’s, I had to interject.
“Emily, why are their always fat people in your stories and why is being fat such a bad thing?” I asked from the front seat, glancing in the rear view mirror, trying to make brief eye contact with her.
The fun immediately came to a halt. What a buzz kill!
Emily was silent for a moment and then said “Because fat people are FAT.” and she stressed the word FAT in a mocking way. “Nobody wants to be fat.” Emily snickered.
“Hmmm…be very careful.” I said in my own head, and then I completely abandoned any notion of keeping my mouth shut and said, “I would really like it if you could choose another way to describe the people in your stories besides fat”.
Again, silence. Emily and my daughter exchanged sideways glances and then my daughter caught my eye in the mirror, looking apologetic.
“Sure” Emily said, “But my stories won’t be nearly as funny.”
I was now irritated, but decided to let it go. The day passed without another mention of the word ‘fat’. My daughter and Emily had a really nice time together. I could tell they were off to a great friendship. I was less than thrilled with Emily’s stories, but I wasn’t going to let it be my only first impression of her.
That evening, as my daughter was getting ready for bed, I approached her about the exchange in the car earlier. She said that she had felt uncomfortable by both my request and Emily’s use of the word ‘fat’ in such a negative way. We discussed how poking fun at people because they are overweight is not acceptable. We also discussed, yet again, that people come in all shapes, colors and sizes. I encouraged her to speak up in the future in the event that any of her friends were being unfair to others, and she said that she would. Easier said, than done.
The following weekend, my daughter was invited over to Emily’s house with two other friends for the day. They are truly a great group of girls and have a lot of laughs together. As I was dropping my daughter off, with the 4 girls present, Emily’s Mother, Emily and I had a brief conversation about their cat that I had been petting on the way up the flagstone path leading to their house:
“What a beautiful cat!” I had said as they were opening the door to welcome us.
“That’s Smokey, she is the best cat ever!” Emily said, smiling.
“We love her.” Emily’s Mother said’ “Even if she is a little too plump.”
“Mom, just so you know, we can’t use the word ‘fat’ today.” Emily blurted out quickly. I knew immediately that that comment was solely meant for my benefit.
Are you kidding me? Mission NOT accomplished.
I got the impression that my fight against fat was now futile when it came to Emily and her family.
I felt a little exacerbation of air escape my daughter’s body as she crouched down to pet Smokey. I thought it would be best to brush by Emily’s comment by focusing on the beautiful red, yellow and white tulips lining the walkway. Surely, they couldn’t be called ‘fat’, I thought. Then, Emily’s mother and I toured their garden and made small talk before I left.
I so desperately want my daughter to grow up and be healthy without an overload of emphasis being placed on her physical appearance and the size of her body. It would be so great if our society would stop placing so much pressure on young people to look a certain way and encourage them to just be HEALTHY. It would be more than great if we could stop doing that to one another.
That’s probably not going to happen.
As I reflect back on the Emily moments over the last few weeks, I honestly know that I could not have kept my thoughts to my self in the car. As a parent, I will not keep my opinion quiet when it comes to this topic, or any topic that I believe influences my children and their own opinion of their body.
We, as parents, can’t always change the world, but we can influence our children by setting the best example possible. I will not allow myself to be negative towards my own body. Even if, at times, I don’t feel great about it. It is my mission.
Sometimes, I fear that my reactions will do more harm than good by simply placing emphasis. Will my battle with the word ‘fat’ being used negatively have the opposite effect that I want and make my children more self conscious? Will my vigilance be translated as overcompensation for my own non-skinniness and defeat my whole purpose. It might.
Everyday, I wake up, and try like hell to do what I think is right for my kids. I sometimes misfire. The best thing I can do is keep my body image healthy, and encourage the same for my kids. Maybe someday the world we live in will be rid of these types of judgments.
It is a big, fat, question mark…
Awesome!
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